He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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