Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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