his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
smell my finger.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
