just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Its about making memories worth repressing
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
