i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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