i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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