a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
