hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
