I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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