i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
