Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am naked and annoyed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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