I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
