I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
