I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
