At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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