Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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