Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
