i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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