Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
