The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Never underestimate the power of titties
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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