if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
