I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
