How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
