Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
