I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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