i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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