I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
