i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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