The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Randomize
