Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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