If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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