My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
