I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
two words: eviction party
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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