Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
