Apparently you make a good broom.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
