It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
