I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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