if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
