I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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