i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
