i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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