apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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