seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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