its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
