you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
