he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
