pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
