me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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