Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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