oh god the rape fog is back!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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