I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
