He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
