she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
