I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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